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" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

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" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "