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" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "

Mitch Hedberg

Want

Late

Know

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" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

Mitch Hedberg

Hold

Together

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

Mitch Hedberg

Cube

Night

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "

Mitch Hedberg

Hands

Here

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "

" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "

Mitch Hedberg

Lift

Once

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "