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" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "
" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "
" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "
" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "
" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "
" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "
" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "
" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "
" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "
" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "
" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "
" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "
" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "
" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "
" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "
" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "
" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "
" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "
" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "
" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "
" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "
" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "
" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "
" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "
" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "
" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "
" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "
" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "
" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "
" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "
" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "