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" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "
Mitch Hedberg
Dogs
Push
Forever
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" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "
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" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "
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" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "
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" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "
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" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "
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" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "
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" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "
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" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "
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Last
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" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "
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" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "
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Carrots
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Drunk
" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "
Mitch Hedberg
Macaroni
Cheese
Food
" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "
Mitch Hedberg
People
Meat
Deli
" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "
Mitch Hedberg
Pyramid
Once
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" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "
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" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "
Mitch Hedberg
Sitting
Me
Life
" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "
Mitch Hedberg
People
Now
Weird
" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "
Mitch Hedberg
Really
Cool
Hippopotamus
" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "
Mitch Hedberg
Say
Planet
Time
" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "
Mitch Hedberg
Day
Remember
Used
" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "
Mitch Hedberg
Lift
Me
Once
" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "
Mitch Hedberg
Addicted
Play
Sitting
" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "
Mitch Hedberg
Work
Draw
Kitchen
" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "
Mitch Hedberg
You
Want
Two
" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "
Mitch Hedberg
Work
Bubble
Back
" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "
Mitch Hedberg
Hero
Real
Pants
" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "
Mitch Hedberg
Whistle
Because
Funny
" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "
Mitch Hedberg
I Wish
Better
Now
" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "
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" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "
Mitch Hedberg
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Who
" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "
Mitch Hedberg
Want
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