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" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "
Mitch Hedberg
Whistle
I Can
Fingers
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" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "
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" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "
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" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "
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" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "
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" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "
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" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "
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" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "
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" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "
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" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "
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" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "
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" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "
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" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "
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" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "
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" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "
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" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "
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" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "
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" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "
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" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "
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" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "
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" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "
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" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "
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" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "
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" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "
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" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "
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" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "
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" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "
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" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "
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" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "
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" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "
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