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" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "
Mitch Hedberg
Brain
Free
Me
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" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "
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" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "
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" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "
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" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "
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" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "
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" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "
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" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "
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" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "
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" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "
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" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "
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" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "
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" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "
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" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "
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" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "
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Who
" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "
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" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "
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" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "
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" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "
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