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" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

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" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "