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" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "
Mitch Hedberg
Imagine
Understand
You
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" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "
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" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "
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" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "
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" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "
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" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "
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" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "
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" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "
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" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "
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" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "
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" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "
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" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "
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" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "
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" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "
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Want
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" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "
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Know
I Can
" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "
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Time
" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "
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Want
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Friend
" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "
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Lift
Me
Once
" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "
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" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "
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Someone
Women
Who
" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "
Mitch Hedberg
Woman
Know
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" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "
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Last
You
Time
" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "
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Dry
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" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "
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" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "
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Trying
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Bring
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