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" Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. "

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" Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. "

" I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. "

" I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits. "

" Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter. "

" A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again. "

" Viral videos aren't just about being funny. They're about identity creation. "

" It's funny: your happiness is contingent on a bigger picture besides just yourself. "

" A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. "

" I didn't understand key signatures or anything, you know. I'd say silly things at the top of a trumpet part like, 'Note, when you play B naturals, make the B naturals a half step lower because they sound funny if they're B naturals.' And some guy said: 'Idiot, just put a flat on the third line and it's a key signature, you know?' "

" I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time - good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together. "

" A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" I can really stir up a conversation. Every time I go to a meeting or a casting, I try to make it as light and funny as I can. I'm always making really awkward jokes. You have to make life fun and not take it too seriously. I may look like I'm very serious and into my work, but if you knew me, I'm just a jokester. "

Charlotte McKinney

" I'm like, bursting. I should be working. I don't want to take a break. It's funny, on set, I don't have to go to the bathroom, I don't have anything wrong, I'm perfectly fine, so through-and-through. I'm not hungry. I'm literally not even in my own body. "

Kristen Stewart

" I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. "

" I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. "

Robert Benchley

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. "

" I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. "

" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "

" If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it's truly funny, then it's worth doing. Things aren't worth doing for the sake of being controversial. "

" It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment! "

" If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time. "

" A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. "

" I know the nature of comedy, and you never know what will happen with the next movie or whether people will find it funny. "

" What's funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can't wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, 'Can you do these for my son's Bar Mitzvah?' "

" I don't think I would do a straight late-night talk show, like a 'Tonight Show' kind of thing. But I'm open to whatever is done well. I don't have any agenda. I'm not like Fugazi - I'm not trying to be just so punk rock until I die. Whatever is funny is good. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life. "