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" Most of my show is true; like, 90% of everything I say on stage is true. I just have to find the way to make it funny - that's the difficult thing. "

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" I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't tell jokes, really. I just exaggerate life, and it comes out funny. "

" Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark. "

" I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes. "

" Who included me among the ranks of the human race? "

" Is everything funny? For me, yes. There's a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there's something in there that'll make you laugh. "

" I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. "

Bertrand Russell

" Communism is like one big phone company. "

" The avant-garde theater is fun; it is free-swinging, bold, iconoclastic, and often wildly, wildly funny. If you will approach it with childlike innocence - putting your standard responses aside, for they do not apply - if you will approach it on its own terms, I think you will be in for a liberating surprise. "

" When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, 'Oh, are you funny?' I say, 'No, it's not that kind of comedy.' "

" I direct with energy. I believe in energy. I think energy is an electric thing in actors. I try to inspire, encourage, and make choices with lots of energy. And truth. I'm big fan of truth and being funny. I like leading 50 people into battle every day. "

Matthew Lillard

" If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? "

" Let's have some new cliches. "

" I'm a fan of the old 'Creature Features' like 'Critters,' and 'Gremlins' and 'Tremors.' 'Jaws' is classic. It's funny that I still like those films because I remember my mom would tease me about getting a pet Critter to keep under my bed. "

" I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. "

" If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. "

Abraham Lincoln

" I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. "

" Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. "

" I'm fascinated with the stories that we tell. Real histories become fantasies and fairy tales, morality tales and fables. There's something interesting and funny and perverse about the way fairytale sometimes passes for history, for truth. "

" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "

" One man's folly is another man's wife. "

" There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. "

" I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. "

" I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. "

" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "

" This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. "

" I was so afraid to even read a paper in front of my classmates. It is very funny because at that point my teachers would never have believed that I could speak in front of an audience of over 2,000 people. "

" I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. "

" But I think Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang really got that thing where, if a movie reads really funny and then has some dramatic or violent or sinister stuff in it, you can't forget that primarily it has to be even funnier than you read it or that other stuff doesn't work. "

Robert Downey, Jr.

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" Include me out. "