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" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

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" I'm funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a clown. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "

" People forget how outcast 'They Might Be Giants' can be. They have a reputation for writing really deft, funny, clever melodies, and they also make a lot of music for kids, which is terrific, but when you see them in concert, they can rock the house. "

" I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. "

Paula Poundstone

" Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. "

" I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. "

" But it's funny that now I'm in such a happy situation, I look more objectively at my own past and see what others have seen for a long time and I'm just so glad I've been able to get to this point. "

" The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. "

" I'm known as a kind of dramatic, serious, almost humorless actor and the fact is, I'm a funny guy, and I spend most of my life trying to find a lighter side of things, and on stage was given plenty of opportunity to do that. "

" If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. "

" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "

" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "

" Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do. "

" Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist. "

Sarah Silverman

" I see fighters make funny videos about me and stick them on Facebook and get 20 likes. When I make a video, I sell it to Fox and make seven figures. That's the difference. "

" I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children. "

" I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny. "

" I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. "

" It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. "

" My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. "

" Being funny is everything to me. "

" If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? "

Abraham Lincoln

" The fact is I'm choosy, but mainly about a man's character. He has to be interesting, funny and clever. I don't even mind if he's not very good-looking. "

" As for our majority... one is enough. "

Benjamin Disraeli

" There's a darkness under 'The Hangover' because ultimately there's a missing person and it's not really that funny. There's a sort of darkness under it that I love, and still people are laughing as hard if not harder than they did in 'Old School.' "