Home
Authors
Tags
App
Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "
Emo Philips
Nursing
Beer
Quite
Related Quotes:
" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. "
Emo Philips
Bicycle
Me
Forgiveness
" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "
Emo Philips
Leather
Just
Morning
" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "
Emo Philips
Well
Day
Got
" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "
Emo Philips
Disaster
Never
Smile
" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "
Emo Philips
Reason
Myself
Limit
" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "
Emo Philips
Computers
Kick
Me
" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "
Emo Philips
Sorry
You
Time
" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "
Emo Philips
Men
Know
Real
" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "
Emo Philips
Watch
Children
Down
" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "
Emo Philips
Away
Glass
Stand
" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "
Emo Philips
Him
Large
Lost
" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "
Emo Philips
Me
Girlfriend
You
" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "
Emo Philips
Other
Night
Bar
" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "
Emo Philips
Some
You
Guns
" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "
Emo Philips
Like
Office
Understand
" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "
Emo Philips
Lady
Miles
Today
" Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? "
Emo Philips
Good
Happened
Days
" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "
Emo Philips
Stand
Because
Better
" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "
Emo Philips
Thought
Feel
Walking
" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "
Emo Philips
Head
You
Way
" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "
Emo Philips
Always
You
Well
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. "
Emo Philips
Good
Life
Day
" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "
Emo Philips
Women
Costume
Dress
" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "
Emo Philips
Alone
Thanks
Sleeping
" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "
Emo Philips
Wake Up
Coffee
Hot
" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "
Emo Philips
Go
Hoping
Gum
" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "
Emo Philips
Said
Bed
Man
" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "
Emo Philips
Ask
You
Well
" Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. "
Emo Philips
Life
Day
Family
" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "
Emo Philips
Concerned
Up
Come