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" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "
Emo Philips
Other
Night
Bar
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" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "
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" Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. "
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" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "
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" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "
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Bet
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" The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. "
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" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "
Emo Philips
Jokes
Safe
British
" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "
Emo Philips
Concerned
Up
Come
" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "
Emo Philips
Watch
Children
Down
" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "
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Men
Know
Real
" You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! "
Emo Philips
Ask
You
Well
" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "
Emo Philips
Lady
Miles
Today
" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "
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Stand
Because
Better
" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "
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Always
You
Well
" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "
Emo Philips
Him
Large
Lost
" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "
Emo Philips
Nursing
Beer
Quite
" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "
Emo Philips
Head
You
Way
" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "
Emo Philips
Some
You
Guns
" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "
Emo Philips
Door
Next
Kid
" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "
Emo Philips
Me
Girlfriend
You
" Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "
Emo Philips
Leather
Just
Morning
" When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. "
Emo Philips
Wake Up
Coffee
Hot
" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "
Emo Philips
Go
Hoping
Gum
" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "
Emo Philips
Return
German
Actually
" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "
Emo Philips
Remember
Words
Who
" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "
Emo Philips
Jump
Run
Love
" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "
Emo Philips
Alone
Thanks
Sleeping
" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "
Emo Philips
Reason
Myself
Limit
" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "
Emo Philips
Said
Bed
Man
" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "
Emo Philips
Away
Glass
Stand
" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "
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People
How
Here