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" Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. "

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" Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. "

" It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. "

" My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. "

" There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices. "

" Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them. "

" A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. "

" You cannot dictate what people find funny, what people find attractive, or what people find scary. There is not a norm. "

Guillermo del Toro

" Diane Keaton is good for women in and of herself. She's smart and funny and real. "

" If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. "

" People use the guise of art, and artistic expression, to do all kinds of hateful things. It's like Trump and everybody else using the guise of humor to say hateful things, the excuse being, 'I was just being funny.' "

" I have no trouble with y enemies. But my god damn friends... they are the ones that keep me walking the floors at night. "

" Once Dwight Eisenhower makes up his mind, he's full of indecision. "

" You meet folks who are funny and really smart and persistent and loving that are confronting this thing we call poverty, which is just a shorthand for this way of life that holds you underwater. And you just wonder what our country would be if we allowed these people to flourish and reach their full potential. "

Matthew Desmond

" The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them. "

" There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I'll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be 'comedies' and not 'female' or 'male,' and everyone gets an equal opportunity. "

" Memories are doing funny things to us. "

" I used to work at NASA in Virginia. It was nothing glamorous; I was just tasked with making code compile for obscure projects, and I wasn't very good at it. Now I spend most of my time drawing pictures and looking at funny things on the Internet, which in retrospect is largely what I did at my old job, too. "

" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "

" I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I'm funny, and I'm a good person. "

" When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. "

" I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. "

" So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? "

Christina Aguilera

" It's really irritating. Even people who like my work sometimes come up to me and say, 'I usually don't like female comedians, but your material is great!' It makes the job prospect more daunting. Funny is funny, you know? "

Chelsea Peretti

" What's funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can't wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, 'Can you do these for my son's Bar Mitzvah?' "

" As I get older, I just prefer to knit. "

" I love Felicity Jones. It was funny because I went to go see the 'Rogue One' set, and I was like, 'Oh my God, I love you.' And she's so tiny, and elegant, and she's just so small. Everyone's so much smaller than they seem. "

" I love the funny and sweet moments I have with my cats, Jake and Frank, so I'm honored to be celebrating these moments at the Catdance Film Festival. "

" I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. "

" I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. "

" 'Hustle' is wonderfully enjoyable because all my life, I've made an effort to be with people who can make me laugh. That original cast - Marc Warren, Jaime Murray, Robert Glenister and Adrian Lester - are all funny. So I know every day I'll have a few good laughs. "