Home
Authors
Tags
App
Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
Henny Youngman
She
Mother
Selling
Related Quotes:
" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
Henny Youngman
Holidays
Up
Christmas
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
Henny Youngman
Poor
Man
Student
" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
Henny Youngman
Trip
Bet
Diary
" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
Henny Youngman
Again
You
Your
" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
Henny Youngman
New
New York
Time
" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Love
Know
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
Henny Youngman
Two
She
Those
" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "
Henny Youngman
Women
Chicago
Earnest
" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Brother-In-Law
Army
" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
Henny Youngman
Want
Before
Die
" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "
Henny Youngman
Human
Being
You
" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
Henny Youngman
Worth
Jewish
Much
" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
Henny Youngman
Lifeguard
Car
Brother
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
Henny Youngman
Time
Start
Position
" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "
Henny Youngman
Tell
Son
You
" Take my wife... Please! "
Henny Youngman
Please
Wife
Take
" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "
Henny Youngman
Hips
Match
She
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
Henny Youngman
Way
Cooks
Dresses
" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "
Henny Youngman
Need
Over
Right
" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "
Henny Youngman
Money
Got
Four
" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
Henny Youngman
Sick
Soup
Woman
" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
Henny Youngman
Why
Suffering
Drink
" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
Henny Youngman
Medical
He
Doctor
" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "
Henny Youngman
Dog
Go
Graduation
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
Henny Youngman
Anniversary
Woman
Wife
" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
Henny Youngman
Trash
Pay
Man
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Music
Marriage
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
Henny Youngman
Two
Quit
Places
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
Henny Youngman
Airport
Mother-In-Law
Back
" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
Henny Youngman
Horse
Took
Him