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" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
Henny Youngman
Poor
Man
Student
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" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
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" Take my wife... Please! "
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" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
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" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
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" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
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" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "
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" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
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" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
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" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
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" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
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" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
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" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
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Trash
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" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
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" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
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Trip
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" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
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" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
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Months
Pay
Man
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
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Way
Cooks
Dresses
" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
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Ready
Me
Tell
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
Henny Youngman
Number
Hotel
Service
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
Henny Youngman
Cemetery
Like
Talent
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
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Two
She
Those
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
Henny Youngman
Time
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Marriage
" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
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Medical
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Doctor
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
Henny Youngman
Airport
Mother-In-Law
Back
" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "
Henny Youngman
Women
Chicago
Earnest
" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "
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Need
Over
Right
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
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Marriage
Happy Marriage
Happy
" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
Henny Youngman
Horse
Took
Him
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
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Love
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Buy
" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
Henny Youngman
Want
Before
Die