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" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "
Henny Youngman
Need
Over
Right
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" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
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" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
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" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
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" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
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" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
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" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
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" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "
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" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
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" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
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" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "
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" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
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Page
Crazy
Him
" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
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Trash
Pay
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" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
Henny Youngman
Holidays
Up
Christmas
" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "
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Dog
Go
Graduation
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
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Way
Cooks
Dresses
" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "
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Money
Got
Four
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
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Anniversary
Woman
Wife
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Happy Marriage
Happy
" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
Henny Youngman
Months
Pay
Man
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
Henny Youngman
Poor
Man
Student
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
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Two
She
Those
" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
Henny Youngman
Ready
Me
Tell
" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
Henny Youngman
Worth
Jewish
Much
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
Henny Youngman
Time
Start
Position
" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Love
Know
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
Henny Youngman
Tomorrow
Sorry
Morning
" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
Henny Youngman
Finding
Back
Wife
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
Henny Youngman
Love
Pay
Buy
" Take my wife... Please! "
Henny Youngman
Please
Wife
Take