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" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "

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" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "

" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "

" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "

" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "

" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "

" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "

" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "

" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "

" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "

" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "

" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "

" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "

" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "

" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "

" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "

" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "

" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "

" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "

" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "

" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "

" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "

" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "

" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "

" Take my wife... Please! "

" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "

" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "

" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "

" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "

" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "

" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "