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" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "

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" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "

" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "

" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "

" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "

" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "

" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "

" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "

" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "

" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "

" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "

" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "

" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "

" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "

" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "

" Take my wife... Please! "

" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "

" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "

" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "

" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "

" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "

" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "

" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "

" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "

" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "

" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "

" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "

" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "

" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "

" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "