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" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "

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" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "

" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "

" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "

" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "

" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "

" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "

" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "

" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "

" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "

" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "

" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "

" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "

" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "

" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "

" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "

" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "

" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "

" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "

" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "

" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "

" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "

" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "

" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "

" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "

" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "

" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "

" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "

" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "

" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "