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" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "

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" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "

" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "

" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "

" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "

" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "

" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "

" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "

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" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "

" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "

" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "

" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "

" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "

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" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "

" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "

" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "

" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "

" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "

" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "

" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "

" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "

" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "

" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "

" Take my wife... Please! "

" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "

" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "

" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "