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" Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. "

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" One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. "

" Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. "

" Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in. "

" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

" Honor is simply the morality of superior men. "

" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. "

" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant. "

" In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft. "