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" Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. "
H. L. Mencken
Marriage
Giving
Husband
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" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "
H. L. Mencken
Poverty
Argument
Crime
" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "
H. L. Mencken
Sister
Year
Wife
" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "
H. L. Mencken
Die
Long
Man
" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "
H. L. Mencken
Speak
Man
You
" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "
H. L. Mencken
Want
People
Know
" It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously. "
H. L. Mencken
Seriously
Men
Teach
" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "
H. L. Mencken
Government
Democracy
Science
" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "
H. L. Mencken
Theory
Professor
Dog
" A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. "
H. L. Mencken
Sunday
Children
School
" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "
H. L. Mencken
Just
English
Baseball
" Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven. "
H. L. Mencken
Heaven
Only
Democracy
" A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. "
H. L. Mencken
Animal
Sit
Ground
" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "
H. L. Mencken
Hands
Flag
Normal
" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "
H. L. Mencken
Only
Difference
Men
" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "
H. L. Mencken
Looks
Flowers
He
" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "
H. L. Mencken
Broke
American
Nobody
" Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. "
H. L. Mencken
Admitted
Be True
True
" Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. "
H. L. Mencken
Stolen
Election
Auction
" A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. "
H. L. Mencken
Never
Heaven
Church
" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "
H. L. Mencken
Life Is A
Sharp
Constant
" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "
H. L. Mencken
Want
People
Liberty
" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "
H. L. Mencken
Merely
Become
Good
" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "
H. L. Mencken
Two
Never
New
" I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense. "
H. L. Mencken
Sports
Common Sense
Hate
" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "
H. L. Mencken
Think
Moon
Write
" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "
H. L. Mencken
Examination
Judge
Student
" No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. "
H. L. Mencken
Woman
Always
Man
" Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. "
H. L. Mencken
Feeling
Self-Respect
Secure
" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. "
H. L. Mencken
Soup
Will
Better
" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "
H. L. Mencken
Easy
Bear
Justice