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" The status quo sucks. "

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" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" Think off-center. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "