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" There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off. "

Douglas Coupland

" I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. "

" I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. "

Paula Poundstone

" Just telling the facts are no longer enough. You now have to be persuasive, charismatic, interesting, and funny. Just telling people things isn't enough anymore. "

Milo Yiannopoulos

" We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. "

" I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. "

" Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. "

" I'm very, very amateur, which is funny because I'm not in the amateur leagues. "

" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "

" I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. "

" Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. "

" I'm quite sarcastic, and I'm funny, but not kind of funny. It's a weird funny, and some people don't get me, and some people do. "

Millie Bobby Brown

" I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. "

" The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. "

Seann William Scott

" If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable. "

" Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. "

" My mama never wore a pair of pants when I was growing up, and now that's all she wears. It was so funny for me when I first started seeing Mama wear pants. It was like it wasn't Mama. Now I've bought her many a pantsuit because she just lives in them. "

" Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? "

" I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. "

" I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious. "

" My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. "

Angie Dickinson

" The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. "

" I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. "

" Personally, I feel like I'm trying to redefine what a really good rapper can be like. Like, I think it's not often where a good rapper can be making funny music. "

" What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. "

Christopher Fry

" Nobody's life is perfect, and each individual will have their own struggles and stipulations. "

" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "

" The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness. "

" If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. "

Tallulah Bankhead

" At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.' "