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" I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. "

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" A cultural thing that is funny to me is that every time I go out in D.C. after a show, all the nightclubs and restaurants are owned by Iranians and Afghans. It's funny to me how we lost our countries but we gained the nightlife. "

" Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children. "

Michael Morpurgo

" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "

" Mr. President, you were elected to lead. You chose to follow. And now it's time for you to get out of the way. "

" One picture is worth 1,000 denials. "

Picture Is Worth

" To win the nomination, you speak to people who vote in Republican primaries. And they tend not to be millennials or minorities... When I win the nomination and show up at a black church, they say, 'Where have you been Mr. Romney?' "

" It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. "

" It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" I started writing 'Southern Baptist Sissies' right after I had written the screenplay for 'Sordid Lives', so that's when I started on a darker path in telling the truth about my journey in the church, but there was still a lot of funny. "

" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "

" I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. "

Kristen Stewart

" Let me tell you, the heart of my tax proposal: I will not raise taxes on the American people. I will not raise taxes on middle-income Americans. "

" It's funny. You travel all over the world, and you wind up with a guy from your hometown. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. "

" It's funny, because I have periods where I just kind of go dark. I don't tweet, I don't talk, I don't interview, and then I have times where I do. "

Lance Armstrong

" I think that 'Hangover II' is as funny as 'The Hangover I,' honest to God, but I think that it's a little bit darker, and the stakes are a little bit higher. "

" We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. "

" Most of my show is true; like, 90% of everything I say on stage is true. I just have to find the way to make it funny - that's the difficult thing. "

" There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast. "

J. Michael Straczynski

" I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. "

Hillary Clinton

" Who included me among the ranks of the human race? "

" If I am elected President, the Castro regime will have no reason to doubt our unwavering commitment to your cause. The regime will feel the full weight of American resolve. "

" If you're public speaking, imagine yourself feeling confident; if you're nervous about a date and thinking, 'I'm gonna be a dork,' picture yourself being funny. Then it will be familiar to your brain. "

Lindsey Stirling

" I've been fascinated by the Internet from the very start. In 2001, I had made a funny black-and-white film called 'How to Dance Properly,' a short video of me dancing to a Madonna song. I sent it to 17 of my friends on a Thursday, and by Monday, one million people a day were logging on to view it. "

" Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. "

P. G. Wodehouse

" As I get older, I just prefer to knit. "

" It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. "

Adlai E. Stevenson

" There never was a democracy yet where the people didn't vote themselves into oblivion. "