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" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "

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" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. "

" Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in. "

" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. "

" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! "

" I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. "