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" I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood? "

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" Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. "

" If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. "

" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "

" There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. "

" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "

" My favorite animal is steak. "

" The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive. "

" You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do. "

" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "

" Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. "

" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "

" Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. "

" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "

" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "

" I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit. "

" Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. "

" I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. "

" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "

" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "

" Nothing succeeds like address. "

" Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. "

" I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. "

" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "

" When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. "

" No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. "

" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "

Freedom Of Speech

" Humility is no substitute for a good personality. "