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" Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. "

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" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "

" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "

" Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. "

" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. "

" Nothing succeeds like address. "

" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "

" The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive. "

" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "

" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "

" I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. "

" As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. "

" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "

Freedom Of Speech

" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "

" Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. "

" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "

" Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. "

" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "

" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "

" If you're going to America, bring your own food. "

" Polite conversation is rarely either. "

" Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "

" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "

" There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. "

" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "

" The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "

" I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. "

" Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. "

" You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do. "

" Humility is no substitute for a good personality. "