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" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "

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" My favorite animal is steak. "

" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "

" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "

" Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. "

" Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. "

" Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. "

" Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. "

" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "

" Humility is no substitute for a good personality. "

" If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct. "

" I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit. "

" I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. "

" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "

" The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. "

" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "

" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. "

" If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. "

" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "

" Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. "

" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "

" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "

" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "

" There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. "

" Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. "

" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "

Freedom Of Speech

" I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood? "