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" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "
Fran Lebowitz
Algebra
Life
Real
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" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "
Fran Lebowitz
Clothing
Never
Want
" Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. "
Fran Lebowitz
Phone
Happy
Be Happy
" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "
Fran Lebowitz
Off
Like
Carry
" When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. "
Fran Lebowitz
World
New York
New
" Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. "
Fran Lebowitz
Always
Been
Me
" Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. "
Fran Lebowitz
Doors
Nature
Comfortable
" Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. "
Fran Lebowitz
News
Talk
Jockey
" My favorite animal is steak. "
Fran Lebowitz
Animal
Steak
Favorite
" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "
Fran Lebowitz
Because
Wanted
Never
" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "
Fran Lebowitz
Democracy
Communism
Capitalism
" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "
Fran Lebowitz
Purpose
Vegetables
Good
" Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. "
Fran Lebowitz
Art
Feeling
People
" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "
Fran Lebowitz
Step
Business
Dance
" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "
Fran Lebowitz
Your
You
Life
" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "
Fran Lebowitz
Back
Rather
Go
" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "
Fran Lebowitz
Life Story
Life
Book
" Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. "
Fran Lebowitz
Anything
Sex
Bother
" Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. "
Fran Lebowitz
Book
Just
School
" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "
Fran Lebowitz
Fact
Children
Most
" Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "
Fran Lebowitz
Important
Diet
Food
" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "
Fran Lebowitz
More
Famous
Made
" Polite conversation is rarely either. "
Fran Lebowitz
Conversation
Communication
Either
" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "
Fran Lebowitz
Fall
Romantic
Love Is
" I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. "
Fran Lebowitz
Take
Adult
Company
" If you're going to America, bring your own food. "
Fran Lebowitz
Food
You
America
" Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. "
Fran Lebowitz
Watching
Child
Day
" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "
Fran Lebowitz
Obvious
Even
Children
" The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. "
Fran Lebowitz
Way
Drink
Without
" You're only as good as your last haircut. "
Fran Lebowitz
Funny
Only
You
" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "
Fran Lebowitz
Like
Look
Crowd