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" There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. "

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" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "

" I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. "

" Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. "

" As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. "

" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "

" Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. "

" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "

" Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "

" If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct. "

" Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. "

" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "

" When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. "

" Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. "

" Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. "

" My favorite animal is steak. "

" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "

" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. "

" I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood? "

" The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. "

" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "

" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "

" Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. "

" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "

" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "

" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "

" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "

" Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. "