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" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

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" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. "

" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "