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" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

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" A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. "

" I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. "

" Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. "

Cathy Guisewite

" I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" You can't be a real spy and have everybody in the world know who you are and what your drink is. That's just hysterically funny. "

" I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips. "

" A rich man's joke is always funny. "

Thomas Edward Brown

" But it's funny that now I'm in such a happy situation, I look more objectively at my own past and see what others have seen for a long time and I'm just so glad I've been able to get to this point. "

" When I have had a long day at work, I want something to watch that is funny, lighthearted and easy to get into, and reality is that. I'm not really into serious programmes or documentaries. "

" TV is chewing gum for the eyes. "

Frank Lloyd Wright

" It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified. "

Gilbert K. Chesterton

" Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing's funny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that offends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun. "

" Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do. "

" It's funny: I was a photographer before I was a programmer. "

" What's funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can't wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, 'Can you do these for my son's Bar Mitzvah?' "

" When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again. "

Esther Williams

" When a dramatic actor does a funny film, people are like, 'Wonderful! I didn't know he was funny!' But when it flips, people can get really thrown by it. "

" The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. "

Terry Pratchett

" I would say just start writing. You've got to write every day. Copy someone that you like if you think that perhaps could become your sound, too. I did that with Hemingway, and I thought I was writing just like Hemingway. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me - he didn't have a sense of humor. I don't know anything he's written that's funny. "

" Fame is a funny thing. I like doing normal things. I like going to fairs. I like going to ball games. I like going to Disney World or a big field on the Fourth of July and having picnics with friends. The problem is you're either worried you're going to be recognized, or you're thankful you're not. It's always there. "

" He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself. "

" Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. "

" Every dogma has its day. "

Anthony Burgess

" Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. "

" I'm not funny. What I am is brave. "