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" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

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" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" Think off-center. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "