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" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

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" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "