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" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

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" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" Think off-center. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "