Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not. "

Related Quotes:

" Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. "

" I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' "

" I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad. "

" You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' "

" If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't. "

" I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed. "

" Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on. "

" Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people. "

" I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash. "

" Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it. "

" A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around. "

" My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people. "

" A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much. "

" I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward. "

" Everything that people say is testable. "

" To me, art supplies are always okay to buy. "

" The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness. "

" Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head. "

" When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. "

" Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. "

" I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.' "

" There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it. "

" I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. "

" When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep. "

" My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes. "

" There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.' "

" Oh, I love stand-up. "

" It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me. "

" I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that. "

" I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school. "