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" Perception is created and twisted so quickly. "

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" I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.' "

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" Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much. "

" Oh, I love stand-up. "

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" Life is full of horrible mistakes. "

" The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it. "

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" When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage. "

" I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad. "

" When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes. "

" I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash. "

" I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat. "

" Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing. "

" It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me. "

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" The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to. "

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" I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up. "

" When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. "

" Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it. "

" I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard. "