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" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. "

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" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

" Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. "

" I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. "

" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

" One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. "

" Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. "

" Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. "

" Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

" Life is a dead-end street. "

" The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. "

" Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt. "