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" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
Henny Youngman
Finding
Back
Wife
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" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Music
Marriage
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
Henny Youngman
Airport
Mother-In-Law
Back
" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
Henny Youngman
Ready
Me
Tell
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
Henny Youngman
Poor
Man
Student
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
Henny Youngman
Two
Quit
Places
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
Henny Youngman
Anniversary
Woman
Wife
" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "
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Wear
Wash
She
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
Henny Youngman
Tomorrow
Sorry
Morning
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
Henny Youngman
Cemetery
Like
Talent
" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "
Henny Youngman
Tell
Son
You
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
Henny Youngman
Time
Start
Position
" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
Henny Youngman
Playing
Good
Golf
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
Henny Youngman
Love
Pay
Buy
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
Henny Youngman
Two
She
Those
" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
Henny Youngman
Again
You
Your
" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "
Henny Youngman
Human
Being
You
" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
Henny Youngman
Medical
He
Doctor
" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
Henny Youngman
Lifeguard
Car
Brother
" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
Henny Youngman
Sick
Soup
Woman
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
First
You
" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
Henny Youngman
Trash
Pay
Man
" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Brother-In-Law
Army
" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "
Henny Youngman
Hips
Match
She
" Take my wife... Please! "
Henny Youngman
Please
Wife
Take
" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
Henny Youngman
Buy
You
Use
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Happy Marriage
Happy
" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
Henny Youngman
Want
Before
Die
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "
Henny Youngman
Up
Read
Gave
" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
Henny Youngman
New
New York
Time
" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "
Henny Youngman
Need
Over
Right