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" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
Henny Youngman
Page
Crazy
Him
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" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "
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Tell
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" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
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Time
Start
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" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
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Time
Brother-In-Law
Army
" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
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New
New York
Time
" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "
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Hips
Match
She
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
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Airport
Mother-In-Law
Back
" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
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Horse
Took
Him
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
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Cemetery
Like
Talent
" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
Henny Youngman
Buy
You
Use
" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
Henny Youngman
Want
Before
Die
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
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Funny
Say
God
" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
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Finding
Back
Wife
" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Afraid
Dead
" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
Henny Youngman
Trip
Bet
Diary
" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
Henny Youngman
Playing
Good
Golf
" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
Henny Youngman
She
Mother
Selling
" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "
Henny Youngman
Dog
Go
Graduation
" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
Henny Youngman
Months
Pay
Man
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
Henny Youngman
Anniversary
Woman
Wife
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
Henny Youngman
Way
Cooks
Dresses
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Music
Marriage
" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
Henny Youngman
Ready
Me
Tell
" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
Henny Youngman
Holidays
Up
Christmas
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
First
You
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Happy Marriage
Happy
" Take my wife... Please! "
Henny Youngman
Please
Wife
Take
" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
Henny Youngman
Worth
Jewish
Much
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
Henny Youngman
Number
Hotel
Service
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
Henny Youngman
Two
Quit
Places
" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
Henny Youngman
Been
Face
Her