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" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld

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" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

Jerry Seinfeld

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" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "