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" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "
Fred Allen
Group
Appointed
Committee
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" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "
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" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "
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Allow
" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "
Fred Allen
Agency
Business
Confusion
" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "
Fred Allen
Religion
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" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "
Fred Allen
Back
Got
Day
" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "
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Remember
Three
Trouble
" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "
Fred Allen
Puns
Good
Hanging
" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "
Fred Allen
Down
Funny
Him
" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "
Fred Allen
Want
Own
Coffin
" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "
Fred Allen
Bag
Men
Mediocrity
" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "
Fred Allen
Days
Today
Big
" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "
Fred Allen
Like
Treat
Partners
" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "
Fred Allen
Wild
Church
Failure
" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "
Fred Allen
Form
Sincerest
Imitation
" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "
Fred Allen
Humor
Anything
About
" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "
Fred Allen
Why
Understand
Person
" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "
Fred Allen
Mistake
Stars
Place
" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "
Fred Allen
Age
History
Living
" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "
Fred Allen
Stars
Church
God
" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "
Fred Allen
Glasses
Person
Famous
" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "
Fred Allen
Committee
Done
Group
" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "
Fred Allen
Strikes
First
Paris
" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "
Fred Allen
Actor
Success
Small
" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "
Fred Allen
Full
Front
Bottle
" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "
Fred Allen
Up
You
Yourself
" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "
Fred Allen
Because
Family
Know
" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "
Fred Allen
Place
Orange
Live
" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "
Fred Allen
Never
Father
Children
" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "
Fred Allen
People
Like
Long
" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "
Fred Allen
People
Television
Triumph