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" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "
" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "
" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "
" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "
" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "
" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "
" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "
" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "
" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "
" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "
" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "
" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "
" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "
" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "
" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "
" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "
" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "
" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "
" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "
" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "
" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "
" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "
" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "
" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "
" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "
" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "
" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "
" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "
" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "
" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "
" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "