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" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "

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" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "

" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "