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" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

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" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "

" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "

" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "

" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "

" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "

" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "

" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "