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" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

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" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "

" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "