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" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "

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" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "

" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "

" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "

" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "

" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "

" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "

" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "