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" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "
Fred Allen
Mistake
Stars
Place
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" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "
Fred Allen
Form
Sincerest
Imitation
" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "
Fred Allen
Actor
Success
Small
" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "
Fred Allen
Like
Treat
Partners
" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "
Fred Allen
Like
Laundry
Lose
" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "
Fred Allen
Fruit
Heart
Place
" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "
Fred Allen
Never
Year
Creation
" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "
Fred Allen
Days
Today
Big
" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "
Fred Allen
Technology
Television
Well Done
" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "
Fred Allen
Remember
Three
Trouble
" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "
Fred Allen
Want
Own
Coffin
" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "
Fred Allen
Great
Bad
Competition
" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "
Fred Allen
Advertising
Before
Space
" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "
Fred Allen
Uncle
Southern
He
" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "
Fred Allen
People
Like
Long
" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "
Fred Allen
Will
Press
Star
" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "
Fred Allen
Committee
Done
Group
" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "
Fred Allen
Play
Own
My Own
" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "
Fred Allen
Live
Funny
Place
" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "
Fred Allen
Your
Mind
Allow
" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "
Fred Allen
Religion
People
Funny
" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "
Fred Allen
Man
Who
Woman
" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "
Fred Allen
Never
Father
Children
" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "
Fred Allen
Place
Orange
Live
" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "
Fred Allen
Full
Front
Bottle
" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "
Fred Allen
Age
History
Living
" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "
Fred Allen
Membership
Race
Back
" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "
Fred Allen
World
Achievement
Go
" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "
Fred Allen
Stars
Church
God
" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "
Fred Allen
Will
Guy
Producer
" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "
Fred Allen
Strange
Life
Shoulders