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" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "
Fred Allen
Like
Treat
Partners
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" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "
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" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "
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" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "
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" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "
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Got
Day
" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "
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Group
" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "
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Orange
Live
" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "
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Television
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" Television is the triumph of machine over people. "
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" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "
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Full
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Bottle
" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "
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Bag
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Mediocrity
" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "
Fred Allen
Advertising
Before
Space
" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "
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Technology
Television
Well Done
" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "
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Form
Sincerest
Imitation
" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "
Fred Allen
World
Achievement
Go
" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "
Fred Allen
Agency
Business
Confusion
" We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. "
Fred Allen
Age
History
Living
" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "
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Actor
Success
Small
" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "
Fred Allen
Days
Today
Big
" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "
Fred Allen
Stars
Church
God
" My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. "
Fred Allen
Uncle
Southern
He
" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "
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Humor
Anything
About
" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "
Fred Allen
Remember
Three
Trouble
" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "
Fred Allen
Strikes
First
Paris
" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "
Fred Allen
Strange
Life
Shoulders
" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "
Fred Allen
Great
Bad
Competition
" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "
Fred Allen
People
Decide
Done
" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "
Fred Allen
Up
You
Yourself
" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "
Fred Allen
Your
Mind
Allow
" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "
Fred Allen
Like
Laundry
Lose
" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "
Fred Allen
Fruit
Heart
Place