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" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

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" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "

" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "